Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Why Young People Leave Oklahoma

The short answer is that people leave Oklahoma for the same reasons they don't flock to Saudi Arabia, Iran, or Taliban strongholds: because for all its baseless certainties, medieval barbarity has serious disadvantages. This remains true even when the hidebound idiocy is leavened with good ol' boy humor and an abiding passion for college football.

Exhibit A: Ponca City. It's the headquarters of the flatlining presidential campaign of Rick Fleharty and the Klamath Falls of Oklahoma, and I don't say that about just any shitty town.

Exhibit B: All-too-State-Representative Sally Kern of the Wide Stance party, who just can't stop fretting about homosexuals. I strongly doubt gay people who suspect their partners of cheating fret about homosexuals as much as she does. I'm glad to say I don't personally know anyone, gay or straight, stupid enough to say what Kern said:

The homosexual agenda is destroying this nation; it's just a fact ... I honestly think it's the biggest threat our nation has, even more so than terrorism or Islam. [link to youtube recording of Kern's remarks]
Naturally, the Wide Stance holds the majority in the state House of Representatives, so Kern will not be censured.

Exhibit C: That same Oklahoma House of Representatives
has passed a bill that says that a student can receive a passing grade in an Earth Science class if they say that the Flying Spaghetti Monster created the Earth an hour ago, and then planted false memories into every single living creature on Earth to make it seem like they’ve been around longer.

Of course, that’s not the intent of the bill. The intent is that a student can say the Earth is 6000 years old and still get a passing grade. The bill itself says that a student cannot be graded down if they say that what they are being taught interferes with their religious beliefs.
Fabulous. Ignorance excused, buttressed, and enshrined in state law!

Exhibit D: Even the state's quarter design confirms the wisdom of leaving Oklahoma. Check out the scissor-tail fly-catcher, the most hyphenated state bird of them all, now forever associated with the state in front pockets, couch cushions, and change jars everywhere. It's on the wing and fleeing the state, and who could blame it? Granted, its eastward trajectory will just take it to Arkansas, which is only a slight improvement, but the point is, even a bird knows better than to stay.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oklahoma is a beautiful place. Have you ever been out riding your favorite horse and looked out at a field of Indian Paintbrushes glowing orange in the sunset? No, you probably haven't. Looks like you're the ignoramus. You and the flying spaghetti monster have more in common than you think.

Dale said...

Anonymous, no, I probably haven't done that thing you said, if only because I don't have a favorite horse, and I keep my eyes closed tightly when I ride any of my less-than-favorite horses. My eyes are tightly closed because I am basically terrified of horses after they wiped out my entire extended family in the late 1970s. Blood everywhere. Such hooves. The harsh whinnying will never leave my dreams.

There, are you happy? Getting me to admit that? Do you feel like a big strong man now?

Anyhoo, Oklahoma has a few beautiful spots. It has quite a few ugly ones.

Old Okie said...

Anywhere you go there will be people with ultra-conservative views, ultra-liberal views, and everything in between.

Obviously, Oklahoma leans more towards the the ultra-conservative side, but there are certainly pockets of liberal thinking in this great State...such as areas around the major cities and universities.

Oklahoma is a beautiful State with beautiful people of all religious and political beliefs. If you feel more comfortable being surrounded by only like-minded people, you can do that here. However, I would recommend you surround yourself with all types, even those who will never see things the same as you!