Wednesday, May 28, 2008

'Tis that Wretched Season in Portland

The Rose Festival in general, fleet week in particular, are upon us here in Puddle-Town. Once again, for the Nth straight year (I stopped counting several N-1's back), I beseech the vacant heavens with my bootless cries of "Why!?! Whyyyyy!?"

Hype aside, here's what it means on the plane of, you know, reality and stuff: that Waterfront Park shall be crowded with pasty visitors who don't know better and rusty carnival rides that thrill no one over six; that the park's grasses shall be trampled and stained with the drippings of deep-fried everythings sold at staggeringly high prices; that the river itself shall be jammed with boats from the Navy, Coast Guard, and this year, the EPA (yes -- the Environmental Protection Agency now maintains a boat for some reason, and that boat is presently moored in Portland. Whyyyy?!?); that one local high school girl or another shall be crowned with a crown of infamy that she will, within a few months, regret ever having sought (even if she does successfully parlay it into early admission at Cowlitz Community College); that traffic shall be even more insufferable than usual because the bridges shall be up to accommodate the comings and goings of all these idiotic boats.

Just what roses are we even festing?

5 comments:

Bpaul said...

You forgot that every two-bit hooker for miles around will be shacking up in down town for the "festival" too hehe.

fun for all

NOT

Domestically Challenged said...

To BPaul: Oh, those are hookers??? I thought they were just the local girls unaccustomed to life forms outside our bubble! (seriously)

Dale, Word! I will never understand Rose Fest either. Especially, why we have it before summer reaches our corner of the country! But you've got to love the mud and the tweekers who deal with the children riding those rusty rides.

Dale said...

Tweekers? I can experience the highs, lows, and inbetweens of Tweeker culture any time I want just by strolling into the downtown Rite-Aid.

Hookers?

Bpaul said...

You know, it is honestly hard to tell the difference between the professional women and some of the "not used to downtown" ladis (and, unfortunately girls) that show up from parts-not-Portland during Rose festival. No slur intended, just the truth of the fashion statements.

My cultural competency regarding these subcultures isn't nearly acute enough to try and determine which is which.

Dale said...

Bill Maher has a great line about that:

"You know who I feel sorry for?"

Pause.

"Whores."