Saturday, June 7, 2008

Heaven Visualized (and the wish that it hadn't been)

This map of heaven (via Strange Maps) provides a superfluity of awesomeness -- do yourself the favor of clicking the image to get a fuller view.

My favorites highlights:

  • FAMILY LAND: We know why you're here -- to talk to loved ones who have passed away! - Well, yes, I always did love listening to grandma rattle on about her school rivals in my earthly life, and now the scattered gossip can go on forever. But what about the family members who went straight to hell? For catching up with them, check the ...
  • DAMNED VIEWER: ... watch all the vile people you hate get what they deserve! - And/or watch your unsaved loved ones get what god says they deserve. Perhaps you have doubts as to the justice of the penalty you just saw your daughter undergo in hell, in which case you can seek guidance at the ...
  • ARENA OF ANSWERS: How did the dinosaurs die? Why did god let me get cancer? ... - The answers come from god himself, so you know they're right. So whatever explains the justice of demons gang-raping your daughter with rusty railroad spikes, that's where to look for it.
  • MEMORY LAND: ... Bring a box of tissues to memory land and relive your finest moments. - Box of tissues? I am going to make the charitable assumption that these finest moments you're reliving will be of the tear-evoking variety, not memorable sexual experiences. Even so, we're still producing nasal discharge in heaven? The immune system still needs to function? I guess that means we'll still need doctors, and a way to pay them. And that we will still be prone to illness, injury, death, unpaid bills, collection agencies, niggardly claims adjusters, ... you know what? I'm going to retract that prior charitable assumption in favor of what now seems more charitable: that the box of tissues was, after all, for post-masturbation cleanup. But at least there are celebrities wanking off with you ...
  • HALL OF HEROES: Meet all the remarkable people from the past. Includes Abraham Lincoln, Moses, Constantine, Michael Jordan, Princess Diana, and many more. - The remarkable people from the past are presumably forced to remain in the Hall of Heroes so that the rest of us can come to gawk at them. No visits to the Dinosaur Petting Zoo, Snack Bar, Damned Viewer, or Arena of Answers for them! Also, when did Michael Jordan die? I just saw him in an underwear ad and he seemed so full of life.
There's more, much more. The choice between this place or the place with the gang-raping demons and their rusty railroad spikes is a surprisingly close call.



Ezekiel said...

You know what really peeves me off anout "Heaven-Land" or whatever it's called. They still have freaking lines. You'd think a supreme being, when making the supremely perfect/fun place would figure out a way for no lines. But no, because apparently god's an ass.
Also, the little dig at atheists was quite humorous considering that they clearly refuse to stick with one christian denomination (and we all know that each of the groups think the other ones are going to hell with all the other non-believers).

Dale said...

Ezekiel, yep. The casual way in which religious believers consign large numbers of people to hell never ceases to amaze and appall me. Look at how small this heaven is!