Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Shorter Palin Convention Speech

Here are the key insights and takeaways from Sarah Palin's speech to the Wide Stance convention, as I helpfully summarized in shorter form:

  • Barack Obama gives nice speeches, but right over there, not far beyond this teleprompter I'm reading in a Running-for-Senior-Class-President voice, I have a special-needs baby. See!? He's the one that my family has been passing back and forth as I've been reading.
  • I don't have the slightest idea what a "community organizer" is, but in both Attack Points and Health Points, it's nothing compared with being mayor of a tiny town in Alaska. I spit on this "community organizing!"
  • John McCain was a POW! After being a POW, he got elected to the Congress, but never forgot his experiences as a POW! Subject, verb, POW, exclamation point!
  • I love that the people assembled here don't laugh when I link the Republican Party with "smaller government." I haven't been on the national scene for long, but outside of this convention hall, people tend to snicker out our their milk when I say something so idiotically and brazenly false.
  • I did mention my large family, didn't I? They're right over there taking up most of that row. Don't you dare drag them into this campaign, librul media elites!
  • Barack Obama doesn't even give speeches in front of real columns! Whereas this Alaska-esque seascape at my back is totally and completely real -- I'm so authentically Alaskan, it projects from my very rectum! I can scarcely control its scenic majesty!
  • Drill, drill, drill! No, not my daughter, the oil fields! Quit bringing my family into this, librul media elites! I didn't abort any of them when I was pregnant with them. Take that, librul media!

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