Sunday, February 15, 2009

Facebook Makes Me Stupid

Notwithstanding what I wrote here and here, maybe the internets really are making us stupid. I can say Facebook is making a good run at it in my case. Having been sucked into its narcotizing vortex, now I have a clear idea of what it means to seal yourself in a simulated world of juvenile narcissism and never face anything that prompts you to leave -- one standard account of the internet in toto that rings more and more true as the Facebook-sucked hours pass. Facebook is like high school without the minimal book learning and trips back home at the end of the school day.

On the other hand, it makes it possible to signal to the world that you are a fan of corn dogs, The A-Team, and Cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch; and it allows you to sign on to advocacy groups ranging from "A Million Strong for Barack Obama" and Amnesty International to "Sperm Whales vs. Giant Squid" and "I don't care how comfortable crocs are, you look like a dumbass."

Anyway, for what they're worth, here are a few of the "notes" I've posted in Facebook in recent days.

I am trying to log out.

Google Knows What You Need?

Go to Google and search for your name and the word needs in quotes -- e.g., "XXXX needs". You'll be amazed at all the stuff you need:

1. Dale needs to shut up. (But I just started! And I really have no talent for it even in the best of circumstances.)

2. Dale needs to mature. (People keep saying that. I wish they would stop bothering. It's not for me.)

3. Dale needs a new crew chief. (Yes! And the car and lucrative endorsements to go with him.)

4. Dale needs YOU to help eliminate hunger. (Indeed! I really can't be bothered with it given the demands of my new NASCAR career.)

5. Dale needs something to worry about in his life besides himself. (This prospect worries me.)

6. Dale needs supervision by the graduate students. (And they're going to need plenty of tasers and pepper-spray canisters.)

7. Dale needs to lay off the cocaine and other substances he abuses! (Google is apparently staging an intervention.)

8. Dale needs to turn 10 more or gain 245 more Zombie points to reach the next level. (Hmm. Will I still need this if I lay off the cocaine and other substances I abuse?)

Eight is enough. Bonus: Dale needs "Eight is Enough" to return to television. That show was awesome.

40 Things

You know the drill! 40 ODD things about you! Learn 40 things about your friends and let them learn 40 things about you. Once you've been tagged, please complete.

1. Do you like blue cheese dressing? No

2. Have you ever smoked cigarettes? No. I missed the basic principle and ended up blowing out rather than sucking in. The entire housing complex burned down and my smoking career, such as it was, ended.

3. Do you own a gun? Kinda

4. What's your favorite drink at Starbucks or other specialty coffee? Black

5. What do you think of hot dogs? I don't eat the ones made from meat scraps. I don't like the fake veggie ones. I take my sauerkraut and bun unaccompanied.

6. Favorite Christmas movie? The one where we learned Luke is Darth's son -and- It's a Wonderful Life (tie)

7. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Black

8. Can you do push ups? Yes, but 'can' is not the same as 'may.' Manners!

9. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? n/a

10. Favorite hobbies? Writing facebook notes, apparently.

11. Do you have ADD? No. That's an actual medical condition for which treatments exist. I just have an absurdly short attention span and no plans to lengthen it, which is more of a personality failing.

12. What's one trait that you hate about yourself? Writing facebook notes, apparently.

13. Middle name? Dale

14. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment? 1. Whose thoughts am I supposed to name? 2. Do thoughts need names? 3. Oregon is rainy.

15. 3 drinks I drink most often? Water, coffee, the run-off from cans of beans

16. Current worry right now? Will we ever find the Dauphin?

17. Current hate(s) right now? Oh gosh. That '(s)' really opens the door to a lengthy answer. I'll keep it to one thing: everything that has ever happened up to 10 minutes ago, with exceptions to be revealed later.

18. Favorite place to be? Oregon Coast

19. How did you ring in the New Year? Trying to sleep through the ghastly and fresh memories of having watched the animated corpse of Dick Clark ring in the New Year for the 74th straight year.

20. Like to Travel? It depend to where. To the slums of Port au Prince without clothes or money? No. To Lincoln City for a long weekend of quiet? Yes.

21. Name three people who will complete this? I name them Chester, Forrest, Tik-Tar, and Galadriel

22. Do you own slippers? Yes.

23. What color shirt are you wearing? Orange.

24. Could you ever make it 39 days on the show Survivor? I am not answering this question or any other question that reminds me that "the show Survivor" exists.

25. What songs do you sing in the shower? "Feliz Navidad", Gregorian Chants, or Barry Manilow standards

26. Favorite girl names? Nora, Portia, Fletcher, Caladriel, Jo, Dale, Curly-Mae

27. Favorite boy names? Lionel, Eminem, Fletcher, Finn, Alice

28. What's in your pocket right now? No pockets, still in my running capris.

29. Last thing that made you laugh? "Curly-Mae." Before that: the guy behind me in line at the store who seemed to be in an awful hurry and who purchased nothing but a dozen eggs and a big can of Red Bull. What was happening with that guy?

30. Worst injury you've ever had? Broken heart (awwwww)

31. Do you love where you live? Yes, but in a purely platonic way.

32. How many TV's do you have in your house? Three

33. Who is your loudest friend? I don't listen to any of them so I am not the one to say. No, wait: Deanna. Definitely Deanna.

34. Does someone have a crush on you? Before I wrote this note or after? Either way, no.

35. What is your favorite candy? Whatever comes out of the Peanut Corporation of America's discount bins.

36. Favorite Sports Team? East Junior High Kittens football, circa 1984

37. What were you doing 12 AM last night? Lolling

38. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning? "Think of something cool in case you're asked about it! Dammit, think of something cool in case you're asked about it!"

39. What is your favorite Holiday? Halloween

40. What are your plans for tomorrow? Lolling, running, lolling, feeding, dread.

Po Hi 1988

Fill this out about your SENIOR year of high school. REPOST with the name of high school and graduating year in the subject box. Tag some others, including the person who tagged you.

1. Did you date someone from your school?
We called it a-courtin' and a-sparkin' back then, but sure. Yes. I confess it.

2. Did you marry someone from your high school?
Nay. But not for lack of proposals!

3. Did you car pool to school?
No, mostly. The average student in my school drove alone in a Ford Mustang with .3 classmates.

4. What kind of car did you have?
I had a piece-of-crap 1975 Audi 100 LS, after the death of which I guilted my mom into buying me a Honda. She was a sucker.

5. What kind of car do you have now?
Toyota and Toyota, Boring and Boring-er

6. It's Friday night...where are you? (then)
Drunk or on the way there.

7. It is Friday night...where are you? (now)
Brushing my flowing locks and curling my son's hair. Or drunk.

8. What kind of job did you have in high school?
I shredded documents for the bank. I was probably a functionary in an active conspiracy to conceal prosecutable offenses, but the pay was low and the supervision lower. Good times!

9. What kind of job do you do now?

10. Were you a party animal?
Is a tick an animal?

11. Were you considered a flirt?
Gross! No!

12. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir?
No, No, and No. But in the 1984 school year (Junior High, technically) during 4th hour, I was so positioned as to overhear countless repetitions of "Coronado," the Olympics theme music. Up until that experience, I was a very emotionally stable person.

13. Were you a nerd?
Not even a little. No way.

14. Did you get suspended or expelled?
They called it "internal detention," and in some cases, "extraordinary rendition."

15. Can you sing the fight song?
Not without crying.

16. Who was your favorite teacher?
MisterMrs. PowersBurchfielCavenaughNineStumbaughGelmersRogersBaird

17. Where did you sit during lunch?
We jogged in place as we ate pizza with corn on it. We wanted so badly to get that Presidential Fitness Medal with Ronald Reagan's signature on it.

18. What was your school's full name?
Ponca City Senior High School, Land of the Lost, Haven of Shadows, Hall of Deathless Agonies.

19. When did you graduate?
1988 CE

20. What was your school mascot?

21. If you could go back and do it again, would you?
Not that, exactly. But some version of it. Possibly. What's the cash offer?

22. Did you have fun at Prom?
Except for the dressing up, dancing, not getting along so well with my date, general nervousness, shitty 80s dance music, itchy clothes, insecurity, yes.

23. Do you still talk to the person you went to Prom with?
I will never stop talking to the Widow Marland. She is forever with me.

24. Are you planning on going to your next reunion?
There are more to come? I was hoping that was behind us.

25. Do you still talk to people from school?
Do facebook and fevered internal dialogue count?

If anyone with a blog considers any of these memes worth continuing in blog form, please count yourself tagged and run with it. But please link back to me so I can watch the rot spread.

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