Thursday, May 21, 2009

Will Pines

George F. Will recently took a brief break from lying about climate change and castigating blue jeans to shake his tiny pale fist at government's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad tendency to make rules:

Once upon a time, government was supposed to defend the shores, deliver the mail and let people get on with their lives. Today's far-seeing and fastidious government, not content with designing the cars Americans drive to their homes and the lightbulbs they use in their homes (do you know that, come 2014, the incandescent lightbulb will be illegal?), wants to say where their homes can be. And to think that Republican Ray LaHood, Secretary of Behavior Modification, is an enthusiast for this, well, cozy relationship between Washington and Peoria, and everywhere else, too.
This is teh awesome! Stay precious, Newsweek. Whatever you're paying George F. Will to write this kind of offal, I hope you'll double it.

As to the substance, I nominate George F. Will's double-gated community (wherever it is) for first in line to become free of all these unbearable restrictions that so bedevil us -- including, naturally, all neighborhood covenants and zoning laws. As he says, government should restrict its actions to delivering the mail, protecting the borders, and -- Will was too incensed with the prospect of criminalized light bulbs to mention this function of government from the good ole days -- gobbling up larger and larger shares of the Native Americans' land. If Will's neighbors across the street want to convert their house into a Taco Bell, and if the neighbors to one side want to open up a strip club, and if the neighbors to the other side want to raze the house and mine for precious metals, who could rightly stand in the way?

Of course, if the neighbor across from the precious metals mine wants to set up a chapel in which gay marriage ceremonies take place, and if the neighbor across the street from the strip club wants to open up a brothel, and if someone else down the street chooses to use his property for a clinic that provides family planning services, a free needle exchange, and medicinal marijuana, George F. Will will expect his panicked calls to the Secretary of Behavior Modification to be answered forthwith.

I can't wait to read that column!

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