Sunday, September 13, 2009

No Days Left 'Til War-on-Christmas Shopping

I regret to inform you that there are no more free shopping days before the first important skirmishes of War on Christmas '09 -- it has already started, and where else but in the vanguard of all things retrograde, Texas?

The Texas State Board of Education is currently considering a proposal that would ensure sixth-grade students learn about at least one religious holiday from each of the five major world religions. Currently, students learn about more Christian and Jewish holidays, and Hinduism is excluded. The new proposal would replace Christmas and Rosh Hashanah with Diwali. “It’s outrageous that the war on Christmas continues in our state and in our nation,” said Jonathan Saenz, a lobbyist for the conservative Free Market Foundation.
Won't somebody think of the children? And of Baby Jesus? And of free markets? And stuff?

I am not qualified to explain why a pro-free-market organization has devoted some of its precious, precious pretend expertise on fake Wars on Christmas, but I am qualified to offer a few possibilities:
  • Perhaps Walmart or another deep-pockets big-box parasite has bought a few units of pro-Christmas outrage because Christmas shopping is so important to their annual retail sales, whereas mounting a retail campaign around Diwali would require, just for starters, learning what Diwali is, and who the hell has time to skim a wikipedia article? There's a war on or something!
  • Pro-free-market conservatives are perhaps more aware than most of the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad side-effect of conducting business with overseas peoples: they have their own ideas, including but not limited to religion and holidays, and in many cases, they are not immediately receptive to dropping their ideas in favor of Conservative America's Superior Ideas, e.g., selective adoration of Jesus, knee-jerk pro-USA jingoism (wartime only), lying on the couch and bellowing for tax cuts and relaxed gun laws, etc. This being so, the Free Market Foundation is, perhaps, uniquely positioned to know the insidious effects of acknowledging the existence of foreign people and the exotic notions to which they so stubbornly cling.
  • They will say any damn thing they are paid to say. Nobody ever got fabulously wealthy saying no to paying customers!
Onward to victory!

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