Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Let's Talk Man-Boobs

When I first read of Jeremy Piven's man-boobs in a "friend's" Facebook posting, I immediately thought two things: one, that I would have lived happily never to have heard a single mention of Jeremy Piven's man-boobs, and two, that the explanation given for Jeremy Piven's man-boobs, the over-consumption of soy milk, was almost certainly an instance of right-wing bullshit.

While my certainty of the first thought was never in doubt, confirmation of the second came later, via Sadly, No! and, more thoroughly, Amanda Marcotte:

Debbie Schlussel has decided to make the subtext of so much conservative angst aimed at vegetarians into the text, by telling her audience that male vegetarians can literally expect to grow “man boobs” from eating all that soy. Her evidence? Some movie star claims that’s what happened to him.
While I, like Amanda Marcotte, am not interested in engaging the endocrinologists of the world on this matter, I am confident that the most probable explanation for Jeremy Piven's man-boobs, such as they are, is straightforward weight gain.

After all, I have seen countless thousands of man-boobs over my lifetime, many of them far more pronounced than anything that has ever filled out the sweaters of Jeremy Piven, and in every case where I can name the person off whom they're inelegantly cantilevered, I can name only one who would willingly drink soy milk. Well, make that two since I should count the man-boobs I've seen in mirrors in times past.

Normally, this is the point where I would leap to the defense of soy milk and vegetarianism, before reeling back with a qualifier to the effect that I am not a nutritionist. Alas, normal blogs bore me, and I refuse to involve myself with one, so I hereby declare, with all the authority of the internets, my years of observing man-boobs, and yes, my thorough understanding of nutrition, that if you want to have a manly chest, you had better put away the animal-based milks and start drinking as much soy milk as you can pack into your bodily frame. Drink a gallon before you go to bed tonight, and another before you leave for work / school / aggressive panhandling tomorrow. Add soy milk to all your recipes -- all of them. Do it now or you'll get huge man-boobs, horrible breath, a sour personality, several deadly diseases, and multiple organ failures. Do it now or you will never experience joy or love.

Or don't. Just know that I have exactly as much insight into the effects of soy, nutrition, and hormones as some ridiculous back-bench rent-a-hack from Michigan, which is to say, a lot. If you want to live well, you'd better listen to us and be sure to pass information like this along without checking on it with a trained nutritionist, medical doctor, or other subject matter expert.

7 comments:

Domestically Challenged said...

While I would never think to debate you or your thorough knowledge of plant based nutrition....

I will simply add that Soy is the Devil!!!

It is a phytoestrogen, meaning the body processes it and reacts to it as an estrogen. It is the reason the AAP has spoken out against soy based baby formulas and it is highly recommended that children avoid soy all together. It is linked to estrogen fed breast cancers (breast cancer survivors are told to avoid soy) and to early onset puberty in girls.

Also, there is a hefty amount of research out there showing that the human body was not intended to process soy, that it causes all types of autoimmune disorders and GI disorders. It is one of the most allergenic foods.

Just sayin'

Granted meat based foods are equally bad due to the macro processing we like to put our foods through... Hormone laced meat and cow's milk are actually the leading (believed) cause of that same early onset puberty trend. And don't get me started on all the fried processed crap foods and their carcinogenic properties...

The solution? Almond milk. Or just stop processing our natural foods!!!

Domestically Challenged said...

PS, I actually stopped by wondering if I may have missed your post-Obama Address musings... I'm still looking.

Dale said...

DC, thanks for that. I actually do prefer almond milk. Or heck, cow milk if it's not too loaded with "extras."

How To Get Rid of Man Boobs said...

Almond milk all the way. I've heard mixed things about soy milk, some say it helps get rid of man boobs, some say it enhances them. I also drink rice milk as well as a nice alternative. Entertaining post, thank you!

Dale said...

How to get rid, DC -- I adore almond milk, but it's distressingly low in protein compared with cow milk or soy milk. But despite what I've written in this post, I'm more wary of soy than I was -- something to be had in moderation.

As for milks, though, I want blue whale milk. That's the shit.

How To Lose Man Breasts Fast said...

What a great blog post! This is so true about animal-based milk - they contain so much harmful junk.

I've been drinking Almond milk for a while now, tastes great, easy to make and extremely healthy.

Dale said...

Thanks, How to Lose Man Breasts Fast, for your comment, and even more so for the moniker.

I like almond milk a lot. I do wish it had more protein.