Monday, December 21, 2009

Peevish Tidings from Lake Wobegon

Garrison Keillor to non-Christians:

Christmas is a Christian holiday - if you're not in the club, then buzz off. Celebrate Yule instead or dance around in druid robes for the solstice. Go light a big log, go wassailing and falalaing until you fall down, eat figgy pudding until you puke, but don't mess with the Messiah.
Wow, when did Garrison Keillor turn into a complete asshole? Was he finally granted tenure on his radio show or something?

Anyway, me to Garrison Keillor: No. No, fuck off, and Merry Christmas.

The war (if such it was) to keep Christmas a Christian holiday was lost and peaceful terms established long before anyone living today was born. I've never known it as anything other than a hodge-podge of Christian and non-Christian ingredients, and to be frank, the elements worth caring about are on the non-Christian, or the long-since unrecognizably Christian, side of the line: sweets, gifts, stockings, trees, lights, yule logs, singing, compulsory family togetherness, and so on. There's a reason no one, not even those scheming Jews or limp-wristed Unitarians that have so enraged Keillor, has tried to commandeer Ash Wednesday or Good Friday: because those really are "Christian holidays," offer nothing for non-Christians, and are, to us away-teamers, pointless, mirthless, charmless, and otherwise not worth appropriating. Whereas Christmas is something far more interesting and appealing than its Christian moorings, and hence my emphatic no to Keillor and like-minded Christians.

Christmas is also, for me these days, the annual festival of crap-wrapping. The one above features an old towel bound with two glamorous shades of masking tape, while these two integrate faces and dialogue:

"Tear my face and I'll cut you" says the one caption. "Give me $20 and I'll tell you where Santa Claus went" says the other. Next up:

"The sooner you open this, the sooner I can get some sun" says the bleached-faced model face clipped from a magazine.

(via Rust Belt Philosophy)

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