Monday, January 11, 2010

Jonah and Byrne

Oh, dear sweet Alabama, you give me hope that your dizzying levels of backwardness can help people continue to overlook my home state of Oklahoma when trying to locate the mother lode of American stupidity:

"I believe the Bible is true," Republican gubernatorial candidate Bradley Byrne said here Wednesday. "Every word of it."
The GOP candidate for governor in Alabama cannot be expected to have the slightest idea what he's talking about, but it's worth noting that some of those words he has declared true include these, from the Bible's book of Jonah:
And the LORD appointed a great fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was in the stomach of the fish three days and three nights.
The completely true Bible doesn't give details of what Jonah did to breath, drink, eat, or otherwise pass the time while in the stomach of a seagoing "fish," other than to detail the prayer he issued while there, the gist of which was eloquently reproduced in Monty Python's The Meaning of Life:



The totally and completely true Bible goes on to report that the prayer worked: "Then the LORD commanded the fish, and it vomited Jonah up onto the dry land." It neglects to mention what became of the "fish," which surely had a rough few days, but relates Jonah's actions after being projectile-vomited onto the shore. Details are, again, sketchy, but the rest concerns a visit to the city of Ninevah followed by an argument between god and Jonah over the fate of a shade tree.

Republican Bradley Byrne believes every word of that is true, and he asks for your vote in Alabama.

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