Friday, March 5, 2010

The Things We Know


Is Barack Obama an American citizen? I mean, sure, his birth certificate was issued upon his birth in 1961 by the state of Hawaii, and Hawaii was made part of the United States in 1959.

When you think about it, though -- and by "think" I mean something more like "obsess" or "indulge in conspiratorial bat-shit hysterics" -- it raises more questions than it answers, and the answers to these raise still more questions, and so on.

How sure can we be of Hawaii? I've never been there. What I know of it comes mainly from the seminal three-part episode of The Brady Bunch in which Greg was almost decapitated in a surfing accident, the other boys were almost raped in a cave by Vincent Price, something or other happened to the girls, and only submission to a Hawaiian Satanic idol and the wearing of enchanted "lei" collars kept the Brady family alive. Cousin Oliver was right not to accompany the family on this voyage to what is, apparently, a nightmarish portal to hell abounding with evil rites, aggressive tarantulas, and this:


I don't recommend staring at this quarter for more than a couple of seconds. I am told that reciting the phrase inscribed on it after sundown transports the speaker directly to Mecca, and the only passage back is by filling one's underwear with explosives and reciting the same phrase in reverse.

All of which would be bad enough, but I think I speak for millions of Americans when I confess to grave reservations about any so-called "state" that I cannot, in principle, walk to without having to pass through seawater. It seems unchristian enough, even if we brush aside, as many foolhardy souls do, the powerful testimony of Sherwood Schwartz and this stuff about the Hawaiian quarter.

Even here on the west coast, how often do we see Hawaiian license plates on cars? Maybe three or four times a year, tops. This is probably for the best -- whatever Muhametan black magic they use to power their cars through all that open ocean should stay on their island, as far from normal Americans as possible.

I am well pleased to report that we have elected members of Congress who think this way:

DOMINICK: You think he’s an American citizen and a Christian?

BROUN: I’m not gonna get involved in that.

DOMINICK: You can’t say that he’s an American citizen?

BROUN: Well —

DOMINICK: You can’t say the president’s an American citizen?

BROUN: I don’t know.
Keep keepin' it real, Representative Broun.

There is a audio-only video of Broun's sterling insights, which add, sensibly enough, the Congressman's doubts as to Barack Obama's Christianity.

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