Thursday, August 12, 2010

Hood to Coast 2010 - So Empty Without Me

Presently, I am still without a placement on a Hood to Coast team for 2010, and I honestly don't think it's a good idea to hold the event without me. In fact, I think it's a terrible idea.

You know that teammate of yours who keeps asking dumb questions, insisting he'll do all the driving, complaining about miscellaneous aches and pains, growing increasingly distraught over how and when you'll decorate the rental van? The one who ordered a size large men's t-shirt but hasn't yet collected it? The one who can't stop talking, farting, belching, brushing his hair, not brushing his teeth, applying foul-smelling home remedies? The one with a crippling phobia of the interior of rented minivans? Here are just some of the many reasons why you should throw him off your team and add me instead:

  • I never speak unless spoken to; or unless I think there's a good reason.
  • I run a lot, so I'll be ready. You pick the leg, and I'll do it in the low 7's or faster -- yes, even leg 5.
  • I've done the event four times, twice in van one, twice in van two. I know all the places to stop, all the places to eat, all the secret shortcuts, and all the tricks on how to avoid bears, land-orcas, coyotes, possums, Bigfoots, badgers, wolves, and, above all, race officials.
  • I know a smattering of French. My high school and college instructors in French sometimes implied, without ever quite stating, that knowledge of French would someday be useful, so I pass that almost confident implication into this scenario and ask, "What if the team needs someone who can speak a little French?" Laugh now, but if you decline my generous self-invitation only to find yourself cornered and harried by French-speaking Bigfoots or grizzled descendants of fur trappers, who will be laughing then? Hmm?
  • With me, what happens in the van will stay in the van. For that matter, what happens within a seven-mile radius of the van will stay in the van, or within the seven-mile radius, or whichever is the more discreet of those two.
Seriously. Please add me to your team -- I would love to be a low-maintenance, low-stress, easygoing, relatively fast-running addition to your 2010 Hood to Coast team. You can contact me at my twitter thingy, @bureaucrat117, or at the super-secret encoded e-mail address listed somewhere on this precious, precious blog's main page, dances with anxiety [at] gmail dot com.

Act fast! This offer expires when the relay is over, and I already have a couple of better-than-even prospects lined up.


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