Monday, January 24, 2011

The Fifty Stops of Shame

It turns out that every state in the union has something it can hold up for exceptional, pack-leading shame, but a few stand apart, and a close-ish reading of the data suggests a few regional patterns. Consider, because I've left you little choice, Utah's special shame:

Utah's leadership in porn either means the people there are defying the principles of the Mormon Church, or that they are fulfilling those principles by aggressively searching for that next spouse on youporn. Presumably only the Angel Moroni-etched golden plates give the correct interpretation of this surprisingly unsurprising fact.

No offense, though -- I kid Utah because of its nation-leading porn use. What's going on a few states to the east, in the upper midwest?

Oh, that. South Dakota and Nebraska, being a continuous, flat, featureless, exhausting expanse of grain fields and despair, are also a continuously women-brutalizing, flat, featureless, exhausting expanse of grain fields and despair. Neat.

Swerving wildly back westward, we see a realm of poor judgment spanning from Montana down through Colorado:

Evidently the drunks from Montana collide violently with the coked-up Coloradans somewhere in Wyoming, and why not? If there existed something better to do there, it would have been known long ago.

Here in Fair Cascadia, well, the regional story narrates itself:

We are in the clutches of a classic Catch-22 -- "I am homeless and lonely" begets reaching out for non-human companionship; coupling with beasts begets eviction, expulsion, and unemployment-related foreclosures; and so the sickly cycle turns.

Treat yourself to all the worst-of-class pathologies at Pleated Jeans. It will make you sadder and wiser, but mostly sadder.


Sheldon said...

Yes, I remember it being pointed out that there is a tool in Google that show the geographic distribution of search term, and Utah consistently came up the winner for searches of porn.

I am presently in Arizona, and strangely enough I have had strong urges to drink more, and more regularly, and would do so if it wasn't for the vigilance of my control freak wife. Funny how we find out we really are affected by our cultural surroundings.

I have to ask you, how do you find the time and ability to blog so consistently while being homeless?

Dale said...

@Sheldon, people ask me that all the time. "Dale," they say, as I lie there at the plasma donation bank, "how do you blog so consistently while homeless and forever low on blood plasma?" In reply, I just smile reach in to my pocket and stroke my pet mouse. This is my answer if I'm across the river in Washington to avoid the 'heat' for a while. There's just something about the mice there.

The Duchess of Cookies said...

Come visit the Portland Metro area! Free WiFi and all the mice you can screw! River front property, dirt cheap! Bring your own tarp and keg of PBR. Pets required.