Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Thoughts on the Slobstopper

Not that I'm against the Slobstopper -- for purposes of this blog post, I'm no monster -- but let's play this happy scenario forward. Jackass pours most of his caffeinated drink down what would have been his shirt-front if not for the shining grace of the Slobstopper. The attractive woman walking by steals a look and sees that he's the kind of guy she wasn't even aware she was looking for -- a guy in a huge bib stained with coffee. She saunters over to the car to chat, notices the puddle of coffee pooled in his lap, and -- well, let's linger there for a moment: she hopes it is only coffee she sees pooled in his lap. So another love-match is formed at the edge of the parking lot? The heart wants what it wants, indeed.

The second chapter of the video is more confusing. A mother opens her minivan to accept a young woman dressed for playing soccer. Maybe it's a mother picking up her daughter from practice, or maybe it's the opening minutes of a House episode before someone conks out and starts flopping in presentation of a medical mystery that Dr. House alone can solve -- both seem plausible enough. I want to know why the girl refuses to let go of the soccer ball. Is obsessive clutching of the ball her rare medical disorder? I also want to know what prompts the woman to sigh and put on the Slobstopper bib. What alarms her so much about that tiny carton of Sunny-D the girl has picked up and taken unopened to the back seat? Is she aware that it's nearly impossible to open those things with both hands, and utterly impossible while clutching a soccer ball? Or has the minivan driver, perhaps, seen through time and known that they're only a moment away from rear-ending a tanker truck filled with melted cheese?

(via Portland Mercury)

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